They never said it would be easy...

...but does it really have to be this hard?

I'm sitting in my office on a Thursday afternoon. I'm working on the letter of interest I'm going to send one of the schools I student taught at and a school that currently has an opening for an 8th grade English teacher. It's about 3:30 pm and the only way I know that is because Raul just walked in and plopped himself down in a metal folding chair next to my fancy, cushiony office chair.

"What's that, huh?" he asks facetiously, leaning over to catch a glimpse of my computer screen.
"Cover letter," I say, not thinking that I should try to keep it from him. His brow furrows and he quickly understands.
"So they fired you too?" He looks like he just got hit in the stomach with a pipe or something.
"No. I'm not coming back for another year."
"Wh-why?" he asks, his dark brown eyes becoming even more obscured with hurt.
"Because sometimes people do things they shouldn't and other people have to stand up against what's wrong."
"Hm." he says and quickly changes the subject.

Two weeks ago they fired my boss because they claimed they can't afford to pay him. I know that's not true. I'm not supposed to know it, but I do. So how can I stay here and act as their free labor when I know they're doing things that aren't in accordance with my own ethics?

Then again, how can I leave kids like Raul, with whom I've spent a year creating relationships and whose trust I have finally earned? How can I walk away from youth who have such a strong, undeniable need for someone stable in their lives, and who have such incredible potential to get out of this neighborhood someday?

Then again, how can any of that be realized when youth are only a priority in terms of lip service at this place and I will have no budget with which to do all the cool things that kids want to do. Right now I don't even have money to provide them snacks when we meet. When they fired my boss, everything in our space went with him save for two computers, three lounge chairs and a tv. Not exactly much to work with in creating a thriving youth ministry program.

I told my new boss - the pastor here - that I won't be coming back for another year. But now I'm wondering if it was the right choice. Maybe it shouldn't be about all the bull that's going on up in administration but about the kids. That'd be an easier mentality to hold if what's going on up in administration didn't have such a drastic effect on what resources are available to the kids.

I could work hard at fundraising and soliciting donations. I could pour all my energy into finding free stuff on Craigslist and begging people to come in a volunteer for our programs. I could create a youth program that would kick other youth programs' rear ends. But should I really do that for an organization that clearly has no plan; no walk to back up the talk; no conscience? Is my cooperation with them - my love for these kids - enabling them to continue abusing the people and resources they do have? What is my uncooperation achieving?

It wasn't supposed to turn out like this. And now I just don't know what to do.