Homes and hearts and relocations

I'm beginning to wonder if whoever said "Home is where the heart is" ever went through a stage of having lost his heart on account of being confused about the location of his home.

I'm "home" on my 17-day Christmas break and I'm starting to wonder about where I belong: In (mostly) sunny, opportunity-, people-, pollution-filled California or in varietous one-minute-it's-summer-blink-now-it's-winter! Wisconsin; where people know how to take a day off (at least at my job) or where people feel the pressure to work constantly to make ends meet; where image comes before character or where people forget to look in a mirror before going out the door (and it's no big deal because they're putting on a stocking cap and their hair's going to get messed up anyway!) and know they can depend on their neighbor to plow them out after a nasty snow storm.

Plainly put, I miss the sincerity of the Midwest, yet I love the adventure and the idea of possibility that LA has to offer.

It's a good thing I'm where I'm at, because right now I don't have to choose either - living in LA is sort of like an extended vacation and then I get to come back every now and then to visit my family and friends back home.

But I can feel life in LA changing me and, while I'm there, I'm sure it's a good thing; after all, isn't it healthy to be able to adapt to your surroundings? However, when I'm home, things shift and all of a sudden what was "important" out there seems silly and trivial...or misplaced, at the least. And the same thing happens when I go back.

These seemingly opposing perspectives on life seem to conflict with Emerson's idiom of "Wherever you go, there you are." Sure, it works in a literal sense, but what about when it comes to who a person is? How can they possibly be anywhere if they're one way in one place and another way in another place?

Don't get me wrong - I know who I am - my identity has been nailed down for a pretty long while now. The question is more of where who I am fits in better - feels more at home.

Because when I'm in LA, it fits (well, sort of): I'll admit that it's a little lonely out there and accountability is a little hard to come by. And when I'm home it fits (well, sort of): I feel restless at home, like I could be somewhere else, doing something more...meaningful.

My family and I went to church on Christmas eve and the theme of the homily was this very discussion: home. Only it definitely had more spiritual overtones, like "find your home in God." I hope it's not expected for the churning dilemma in my heart to be remedied by that phrase. Yup, I'm doing this whole thing because God made it clear that He wanted me to; I'm doing this because I know it's what will fulfill my desire to be "doing something more...meaningful." But that doesn't make it easy and my decision to move to LA has opened more new doors than I can count...more doors than I know what to do with.

Entonces, que hago? What do I do? I make myself be present to the place in which I am and to the people whose presence I am blessed to enjoy. I bundle up and fill my lungs with frigid air and enjoy how they tingle because though it's cold at least it's clean and I'll be going back to smog heaven in 7 short days and will no doubt be wishing I was tramping through snow and cursing the way winter always wears out its welcome.

So, I'm home for now and I'll be going back home next Sunday. I'll be sure to let the proverbial post office know my forwarding address, in case you should send me some mail. :)