Hope and Frustration

Life sure has been crazy the last week and a half or so. Last week was filled with excitement and hope as the neighborhood of Boyle Heights (where I work) voted to partner with LA Voice, an organization that specializes in community organizing. The goal of this partnership is to make the streets and neighborhoods safer for the kids. It’s a huge step and hopefully one that will make a difference.

Things are starting to heat up between three of the rival gangs in the area and there have been reports of drug dealing going on just outside of where I work. It’s scary, but sadly exciting at the same time – this is really my first experience with gang activity, and at this point I don’t have the schema in my brain to tell me that the danger is real and I should be more vigilant than curious. I’d really hate to end up like the cat…

Not to worry though, I’ve been assured by several people that as we’ll be safe as long as we’re not walking around or riding around on our bikes after dark.

I took some of the youth I work with to a job fair last week and even though it seemed like a complete waste of time (none of the jobs were close enough and someone told the guys that their resumes sucked…resumes which I helped them with), it was a great chance to bond with the kids. Since then I’ve noticed that there is a different level of interaction between us now – one that’s more comfortable and familiar. I like that a lot.

There are two girls from Loyola Marymount University who I am working with to start a young women’s ministry, which is a huge need in this community. Last week was the second time we got together with the two different groups of leaders, and I’m feeling really good about it. I think the LMU girls are starting to see that it’s going to take time for the girls from the “hood” to really accept the two “white girls” (even though one is of Filipino origin) and trust them, but things look promising so far.

On a more personal level, there seems to be a bit of a personality conflict between one of my housemates and me. And it’s not a conflict I have willingly become a part of, which makes it even more frustrating and confusing. It’s more like this particular roommate has self-esteem and security issues and feels like she has to prove herself better than me (and the rest of the house, although it seems to be focused mostly on me) and some of her actions indicate that she’s in competition to one-up me. I have no interest in competing with her to “win” a dominant spot in our community or whatever it is she’s after, but her passive-aggressive behavior is draining, not only to me, but to the rest of my housemates as well. I feel bad that she feels like she doesn’t “measure up” or whatever, but seriously, how old are we? I’m 24 years old and I feel like I’m dealing with middle school issues.

But looking at that situation makes me so incredibly thankful for the way God has provided so many opportunities for me to grow into the person He wants me to be. How blessed am I that I can look back at all of the hard times I’ve had (which, at the time, I wished I didn’t have to go through) and see how they’ve shaped me? I like where I’m at in terms of who I am and what I’m becoming. It’s incredible to me that I can actually see God’s figure prints all over my life.
And I love that I don’t feel like my self-worth is tied up in being better than those around me – that instead it is fully dependent on the fact that I’m a child of God, that He took the time to think me up, and hasn’t finished creating me yet.